As you read this, I am three days into a mindfulness retreat in Devon, UK. So I am writing to you from the past, from the “before” times when I was still at home in Amsterdam and had yet to ever attend a mindfulness retreat (or any retreat, for that matter).
The funny thing is, my past experiences with mindfulness and meditation have been poor, at best. So as I write this, I am excited for the week ahead but I also have absolutely no expectations. Because honestly, I don’t really know what to expect. And there’s something really beautiful about that.
You might think I’d be apprehensive about attending a 6-day mindfulness retreat considering I’ve never been successfully “mindful” in my entire life. And that’s a fair assumption. That said, I’m in a different phase now. My previous attempts at mindfulness took place at a time when I had rather severe anxiety, and I have since learned that mindfulness and anxiety don’t always mix well.
Fortunately, I’m not feeling anxious of late. What’s more, I actually feel good for the first time in I’m-not-sure-how-long. Years, probably. (And no, that’s not an exaggeration.) I woke up on Monday of this week and actually felt like I had the energy to face the day. Better yet, to seize the day. Not that there was much to seize (I don’t think I accomplished much) but I felt like I could do anything that day and I legitimately do not remember the last time I felt that way. It has been a very, very long time.
Monday was also a new moon, the start of a new phase, and I’m really feeling that this week. I feel like I have started a new phase, in some ways. A phase that is no longer entirely about recovery but also welcomes some new growth. Like a plant that has been damaged, I needed time to recover before I could start growing again. I’m not fully recovered yet—there are still some scars and damaged leaves to care for—but there is enough energy now that new growth is beginning. And after some really difficult months, that feels incredibly special. ✨
As I prepare to head out on my retreat, I’ve also set some intentions for myself. Not for the mindfulness bit, because, as mentioned, I couldn’t possibly set an intention for something about which I have no expectations. My only intention there is to give myself to it fully and see what comes. If, after 6 days, all that I learn is that I really, truly cannot meditate, well, then that’s that! (I don’t expect this to be the case, but I am open to all possibilities.)
But for my overall journey, I’m setting a few other intentions.
Write every day. I haven’t done “morning pages” or anything of that sort in several years, and during my time away I hope to restart a daily writing practice. 📝
Read all the books. As I travel from Amsterdam to the UK by train, I’ve got nearly 15 hours of travel time ahead of me (including all the various stops I’m making). I’m bringing 4 books with me, hope it’s enough. 🤓
Ride the waves. I want to make an effort to be more mindful, even during the time I am not at the retreat. For example, I already know there will be rail strikes in the UK while I’m there (one of my trains has already been cancelled, for example). I want to take things as they come and make a conscious effort to not let the little things get to me. 🧘♀️
Disconnect. I’ll be offline for the 6 days of the retreat, but my hope is that I will leave the retreat with a renewed sense of balance and, hopefully, maintain a healthier relationship with technology and social media moving forward. 🌱
I’m excited about these intentions because they feel really meaningful for me, but they also feel attainable! And that is really important. I remember days earlier this year where I would set an intention to “breathe” or “remain calm,” and by the end of the day I’d be running full-speed like a steam engine. On those days, my intentions were too far-fetched, so I am grateful to be in a place where I can set intentions that feel completely attainable and will (I hope) make me feel better.
The final thing that I am hoping for during the following week is to open up space for myself to start telling different stories. At the start of the Bio-Leadership Fellowship program, I wrote a list of questions for myself. Questions that sit heavily in my chest cavity. Not heavy on my heart so much as heavy on my soul. Questions that mean something. Questions that carry weight.
These are questions that I am sure I can ponder for many weeks or months (or even years), but since writing them I haven’t had the energy or brain space to consider them again. But now I feel ready, and I’m excited to give them some space.
What would a different story of progress look like?
What is the story we have come to believe in?
What if we could rekindle a worldview of belonging?
How can we collaboratively help greater change to come about?
How do we look at the story of ourselves without putting ourselves at the centre?
What is the work that is being called from us?
Where do we place ourselves to be useful?
I don’t expect to come up with answers—and I don’t need to right now. But I want to revisit these questions each day, just to give them some space to breathe and take shape. Perhaps in a beautiful moment of meditation, or a quiet walk in nature, ideas will come.
And maybe not, and that’s also fine. I just want to start opening space for new things to unfold. New ideas, new pathways. As I finally feel more like myself again, I feel ready to make space for the new. And it’s wonderful. 💚
So, that’s all from me this week. I’ll let you all imagine what I’m up to and how I’m feeling on day 3 of my retreat. I couldn’t possibly predict it myself, but I’m sure I’ll have more to say about it next week when I return.
x
Inspiration station
(Renaming this section cuz I think it’s nicer this way. 🙃)
Here are some things that are inspiring me this week. 💚
Read 📖
A must-read for anyone feeling climate doom or anxiety. This book is a salve. It gave me renewed hope and even left me feeling excited to get more involved in the climate movement. I’ve shared a longer “book review” on Instagram if you’re curious to learn more.
Listen 🎧
I feel like I’m hearing about Rich Roll a lot lately and I’m starting to understand why. This podcast interview with Zach Bush is beautiful to listen to. For someone so steeped in Western medicine, I love the way Zach speaks about healing and medicine and his appreciation for a holistic approach to medical care. His vision for the future is inspiring.
Final words
“To me, resting is anything that slows you down enough so that your mind and body can connect.”
—Tricia Hersey